“Today, I will strive for the balance between being too needy and not allowing myself to need people. I will let myself receive the love that is there for me.” ~ Melody Beattie

Ideas from Melody Beattie’s The Language of Letting Go

Many people have unmet dependency needs lingering from their past which makes it difficult to find the balance between needing people too much and not allowing ourselves need anyone at all. While you want to fulfill a desire to be loved unconditionally, you may have chosen someone who cannot, or will not, give you what you desire. In response some people go to the other extreme. Because you may have become used to people not being there for you or meeting your expectation, you push people away. By becoming stubbornly self-reliant, you fight off feelings of neediness by not allowing yourself to need anyone. You don’t let people be there for you to avoid being disappointed by them.

When you change your thoughts and behaviors, your circumstances will change. When you feel are too needy, respond by accepting that needy part of yourself. Allow yourself heal from the pain of unmet needs from your past. Stop telling yourself you are unlovable because you haven’t been loved the way you wanted. If you have shut off the part of yourself that needs people, become willing to open up, be vulnerable, and let yourself be loved. Let yourself have needs.

Ultimately, you will get the love you need and desire when you begin to believe you’re lovable, and when you allow that to happen.

Jen’s Thoughts

It surprised me when I realized that, on some level, I felt I was unworthy of love. In my past, I often felt that I had to go that extra mile for someone; give them a reason to love me… to become worthy of their love. Sometimes, I still fall into that unhealthy way of thinking. No one needs to be worthy of love, nor do they need to do anything to earn love. Love isn’t bought, traded, or sold… love is to give freely and unconditionally.

In my struggle with codependent behaviors, I have experienced both extremes mentioned by Melody. I have yearned to be loved. I would become needy and emotional, yet not know how to tell the other person what I needed from them. In response to those needs, I would shoot to the other extreme, and “buck up” as I always put it. I would then become overly independent and insist that I needed no one. I hardened my emotions and “trucked on” insisting that I could handle it on my own, and pushed away anyone who offered their help. Eventually, that attitude would become too much to handle… then I’d break down and need someone again. Often, other people had no idea that I’d broken down and needed them. I was too ashamed of my “failure” to keep up the independent charade, and felt guilty and unworthy of their support. Bouncing back and forth between these two extremes became a continuous cycle.

Now that I am well in to the healing process from codependent behaviors, it’s difficult to comprehend why I felt the way I felt and behaved the way I did. I now see that my past behavior was irrational, and yet, I really knew of no other way. I knew it seemed silly at the time, but I felt that’s the way I had to be in order to “survive”.

Today, I remind myself often that I am worthy and I don’t have to prove my worthiness to be loved. I accept the love and support that is offered to me… unconditionally. It’s still difficult at times… the irrational thought process occasionally surfaces. But, I’m learning to accept… accept me… love me.

“I will be aware of the hooks that snag me into the caretaking acts that leave me feeling victimized. I will ignore the hints, looks, and words that hook me, and wait for the directness and honestly I, and others, deserve.” ~ Melody Beattie

Ideas from Melody Beattie’s The Language of Letting Go

You can learn not to get hooked into unhealthy, self-defeating behaviors into relationships – behaviors such as caretaking, controlling, discounting yourself, and believing lies. You can learn to watch for and identify hooks, and choose not to allow yourself to be hooked. Often, people do things consciously or without thinking that may pull you into a series of self-defeating behaviors called codependency. More often than not, these hooks can be almost deliberate, and the results predictable. Someone may stand before you and hint or sigh about a problem, knowing or hoping that hint or sigh will hook you into talking care of him or her. That is manipulation.

You can learn to insist that people ask you directly for what they want and need. If someone wants something from you, insist that the person ask you directly for it. Require the same from yourself. If someone baits the hook, we don’t have to bite it.

Jen’s Thoughts

Often we find it so easy, even habitual, to cave to the subtle demands of others. We want so badly to help others, to ensure their happiness, that we are willing to do almost anything. Some may even feel that if they don’t do their best to ensure the happiness of another, they will lose that person’s love and respect. Unfortunately, more times than not, suiting the demands and needs of another can cause our own needs not to be met. We may end up sacrificing our needs to meet the needs and demands of another. You may even believe that their needs are more important than your own, and that if you don’t meet their needs you have failed or are somehow to blame for their short comings.
Don’t allow yourself to be hooked into these irrational beliefs.

It’s ok to help another person, as long as you are not sacrificing your own needs. A sign that you are sacrificing yourself is that you find yourself resenting that individual.

It’s also ok to want another to be happy. However, you must accept that you are not responsible for their happiness: In fact you can’t make anybody happy, except yourself. Only they can make themselves happy, just as it is your responsibility to make yourself happy. If you constantly feel put out by meeting the needs of another, you may be sacrificing too much of yourself; you may want to reevaluate the give and take in that relationship and decide if it’s really worth losing yourself.

“Today, I will begin the process of letting go of all self-defeating feelings and beliefs connected to past relationships. I will clear my slate so I am free to love and be loved.” ~ Melody Beattie

Ideas from Melody Beattie’s The Language of Letting Go

One of the greatest gifts you can give is an open, loving heart. And holding on to negative feelings from past relationships is your greatest barrier to that gift. Most of you have had relationships that have ended. When you examine these relationships, you need to clear the emotional slate. Are you holding on to anger or resentments? Are you still feeling victimized? Are you living with the self-defeating beliefs that may be attached to these relationships? Let go of all that may be blocking your relationships today. With great certainty, you can know that old feelings and self-defeating beliefs will block you today from giving and getting the love you desire. You can clear the slate of the past. It begins with awareness, honesty, and openness. The process is complete when you reach a state of acceptance and peace toward all from you past.

Jen’s Thoughts

You can be happier in your life if you learn acceptance of negative energy and emotions from your past relationships, and letting go. Most of us carry “emotional baggage” from past relationships. This “emotional baggage” can influence how we interact in our current relationships. If you had been betrayed in a previous relationship, it can be difficult not to let that fear affect your current relationship; but it’s extremely important that you don’t: it will only cause pain and unnecessary conflict.

Start fresh! Throw that emotional baggage out!

It is not necessary to continue to harbor the emotions from past experience. Instead, keep only the wisdom you gained from the experience. Start your new relationship with a clean slate; accept it for what it is; new. Learn to recognize when your past is affecting your current thoughts and behavior. Then try to overcome the irrational thinking and view the current reality. By doing so both you and your partner can have fair chance at a bright future together, built on your new shared experience.

“Help me not judge or limit my future by my past. Help me be open to all the exciting possibilities for change, both within and around me.” ~ Melody Beattie

Ideas from Melody Beattie’s The Language of Letting Go

There is a new energy, a new feeling coming into your life. You cannot base your expectations about how you will feel tomorrow, or even a few hours from now, on how you feel at this moment. There are no two moments in time alike. You are healing you inner being. You are changing. Your life is changing. At times, things haven’t’ worked out the way you wanted. You had lesson to learn. The future shall not be like the past.

Sometimes, problems and feelings linger for a while. These times are temporary. Times of confusion, uncertainty, and times of living with a particular unsolved problem do not last forever. Each situation and circumstance has had its particular influence in shaping who you are. You do not have to scar yourself by comparing your present and future to a painful past. Know the discomfort will not be permanent. Do not try to figure out how you shall feel or when you shall feel differently. Instead, trust. Accept today, but do not be limited by it. Times are changing for the better. Continue on the path of trust. Be open to the new.

Jen’s Thoughts

It’s sometimes difficult to not let our past dictate the way we manage our present. If you were cheated on in a past relationship, you may fear that all your significant-others will cheat on you. This may cause you to be suspicious of their every move and over time, will push them away. Can you blame them, they didn’t cheat on you, yet you mistrust them as if they did. Perhaps, it’s time to let the negative feelings from the past go. You’ve learned your lesson and gained the knowledge. There is no reason to let that past situation control your emotions today.

“Today, help me let go of negative thoughts I may be having about my past circumstances or relationships. I can accept, with gratitude, all that has brought me to today.” ~ Melody Beattie

Ideas from Melody Beattie’s The Language of Letting Go

It is easy to be negative about past mistakes and unhappiness. But it is much more healing to look at yourself and your past in the light of experience, acceptance, and growth. Your past is a series of lessons that advance us to higher levels of living and loving. The relationships you entered, stayed in, or ended taught you necessary lessons. Some of you have emerged from the most painful circumstances with strong insights about who you are and what you want. Each step of the way, you learned. You went through exactly the experiences you needed to, to become who you are today. Each step of the way, you progressed.

Jen’s Thoughts

The past cannot be changed. You may not be proud of how you handled things when you reflect back. What matters is that you handled situations to the best of your capabilities at that time… no one could ask for more. Now, you have learned from that experience. When the situation comes around again, you can handle it differently because you now have the experience from you past and new knowledge. Accept the past; however it was, and move forward to make room for more wonderful experiences.