Needing People

“Today, I will strive for the balance between being too needy and not allowing myself to need people. I will let myself receive the love that is there for me.” ~ Melody Beattie

Ideas from Melody Beattie’s The Language of Letting Go

Many people have unmet dependency needs lingering from their past which makes it difficult to find the balance between needing people too much and not allowing ourselves need anyone at all. While you want to fulfill a desire to be loved unconditionally, you may have chosen someone who cannot, or will not, give you what you desire. In response some people go to the other extreme. Because you may have become used to people not being there for you or meeting your expectation, you push people away. By becoming stubbornly self-reliant, you fight off feelings of neediness by not allowing yourself to need anyone. You don’t let people be there for you to avoid being disappointed by them.

When you change your thoughts and behaviors, your circumstances will change. When you feel are too needy, respond by accepting that needy part of yourself. Allow yourself heal from the pain of unmet needs from your past. Stop telling yourself you are unlovable because you haven’t been loved the way you wanted. If you have shut off the part of yourself that needs people, become willing to open up, be vulnerable, and let yourself be loved. Let yourself have needs.

Ultimately, you will get the love you need and desire when you begin to believe you’re lovable, and when you allow that to happen.

Jen’s Thoughts

It surprised me when I realized that, on some level, I felt I was unworthy of love. In my past, I often felt that I had to go that extra mile for someone; give them a reason to love me… to become worthy of their love. Sometimes, I still fall into that unhealthy way of thinking. No one needs to be worthy of love, nor do they need to do anything to earn love. Love isn’t bought, traded, or sold… love is to give freely and unconditionally.

In my struggle with codependent behaviors, I have experienced both extremes mentioned by Melody. I have yearned to be loved. I would become needy and emotional, yet not know how to tell the other person what I needed from them. In response to those needs, I would shoot to the other extreme, and “buck up” as I always put it. I would then become overly independent and insist that I needed no one. I hardened my emotions and “trucked on” insisting that I could handle it on my own, and pushed away anyone who offered their help. Eventually, that attitude would become too much to handle… then I’d break down and need someone again. Often, other people had no idea that I’d broken down and needed them. I was too ashamed of my “failure” to keep up the independent charade, and felt guilty and unworthy of their support. Bouncing back and forth between these two extremes became a continuous cycle.

Now that I am well in to the healing process from codependent behaviors, it’s difficult to comprehend why I felt the way I felt and behaved the way I did. I now see that my past behavior was irrational, and yet, I really knew of no other way. I knew it seemed silly at the time, but I felt that’s the way I had to be in order to “survive”.

Today, I remind myself often that I am worthy and I don’t have to prove my worthiness to be loved. I accept the love and support that is offered to me… unconditionally. It’s still difficult at times… the irrational thought process occasionally surfaces. But, I’m learning to accept… accept me… love me.